Intrusive commercials

I was trying to watch a romance television movie starring Nick and Julia.

The problem was the commercials.

Every two or three minutes the movie was interrupted with someone wanting me to order a scooter at little or no cost to me, or some male enhancement product guaranteed to work.

Four times I watched little green monsters explain how they could rid my body of mucus and break up a cough.

Just as Nick plants a kiss on Julia's forehead, an infomercial interrupts with a buy one for $19.95 and get another one for free. And they will throw in free shipping and handling as a bonus.

Just as I got engrossed in the movie again, some beautiful model would fling her long strong silky tresses across the screen while advising me to use Pantene or Suave or Dove or Aveeno to get the same results.

I watched 12 1/2 minutes, back-to-back commercials about healthy soups, clinically proven headache medicines, insurance companies that put me in good hands with Allstate or Progressive with the saleswoman in white promising to save me with a name-your-price plan more than any other insurance company. And there was GEICO's little gecko (green house lizard) who pops up on business desks, at vending machines and everywhere touting insurance.

With Snuggles I could get more for less and with Downy softener I could feel more.

I could regenerate my skin and dissolve the appearance of wrinkles with all kinds of beauty oils and creams.

Ask your doctor was a familiar refrain. I'm sure doctors all over the country are tired of being asked about products that are advertised in commercials.

Ask also what your dentist recommends for sensitive teeth, the ad advises.

There are the telephone ads pitching phones and services. Switching can save me 15 percent or more.

Then back to the movie for two minutes. Nick tells Julie that he is faithful and will never again betray her trust. But he crosses his fingers behind his back. She smiles and then professes her faithfulness while slyly crossing her ankles.

Then a commercial shows office workers at their desks, biting and loudly crunching Kit Kat candy bars; click, clack, click.

This is followed by switch to cable. No, switch to Dish and bundle to save.

There are deodorizers for underarms and rooms and eyeglasses in about an hour.

There are Bounty paper towels, the thicker quicker picker upper.

There are throat lozenges and mouth washes that doctors recommend.

And buy one and get another for half price (shoes).

The phone rings and Julia answers to bad news. There's been a car crash and her secret lover has been badly injured.

She doesn't want Nick to find out. He wants to know what she's upset about.

Julia tells Nick nothing's wrong but she must leave right away.

He looks suspicious but tells her to go. Julia grabs her wrap and her purse and quickly exits the room.

A commercial tells viewers that they can Save Money, Live Better with Walmart.

And Scope outlasts all mouthwashes.

At the hospital room, Julia sees her bandaged lover with tubes and machines and oxygen as he lies in bed, un-responsive.

She touches his cheek and begs him to open his eyes. His eyelids flutter, then slowly open. He tries to speak but she shushes him.

The scene abruptly changes with ads showing smiling dogs who use doggy denture to remove tartar buildup.

That's followed by a little boy standing on a chair auctioning off a Hillsfarm sandwich to classmates. A little girl with a pony wins the bid.

Then there's the toilet tissue that outperforms the other brands.

And cars, cars, cars. May the best car win.

And McDonald's, Sonic, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Burger King.

As Julia weeps, a doctor enters. He tells Julia that he's done all he can do. Only time will tell if the patient will survive. The doctor tells her to go home and get some rest but she refuses to go. She settles into a chair for a long vigil.

A switch to a commercial shows a woman who has burned her pork chops to the skillet. If she had used PAM she could have pulled it off, the commercial says.

That followed by Sleeptabs for a good night's sleep.

At that point, I decided maybe I needed a good night's sleep.

I threw my shoe at the television set and went to bed.