Thank Goodness for Commercials

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Archie Bunker said TV commercials are the way people learn things. How would women know what to do with those feminine products? Or what cereal to buy? Or what shampoo to use for silkier hair?

Without commercials we'd miss out on all those two for one bargains, like the magic leg brace that fixes back problems, or those copper studded gloves that are "so cute" you can wear them anywhere. It's true that commercials are informative, educational, and repetitive.

Saturday while trying to watch a classic movie, it was interrupted so many times with commercials that I lost the whole plot of the movie. In fact, there were so many gaps before the movie would resume, that I'd forget what I'd been watching.

I'd be watching a fast action scene, then Kaboom, I'm watching a woman cleaning a commode.

Or there would be a Swiffer duster sitting on a doorstep with a couple wondering how it got there. It appeared just in time to dust away cat and dog hairs that couldn't be picked up by ordinary dusters.

Then we see two guys eating hamburgers in a vehicle by the side of a road among a herd of buffalo. Suddenly a buffalo attacks the car while the two men huddle in terror and scream for their State Farm agent who appears, poof, in the back seat. "State Farm is here."

Capitol One wants to know "what's in your wallet?"

That followed by Listerine that can transform me, if I swish.

There's the little green gecko that represents GEICO car insurance. And my favorite GEICO commercial with the high pitched screaming goat.

Then back to the movie for about three minutes of catch up before the commercials resume.

A steady stream of lawyers urge me to call the number on the screen because I may be entitled to financial compensation for any number of ailments, accidents, or whatever., including chronic diarrhea.

Without commercials how would I know that Bounty is a long lasting picker upper or that I'm in "good hands" with Allstate who will give me a bonus check for every six months I'm accident free..

There's Flo, of course, wearing her white apron, and explaining that customers can choose their own Progressive plan.

How would I know that I am to buy and try Febreze, Bayer aspirin, Clorox, certain hair products like Dove, Pantene, or TRESemme, used by professionals. Or that BAND-AID has extra flexibility. And that pork chops coated with Hidden Valley Ranch dressing are finger licking good. No, that's Kentucky Fried Chicken. How would I know that Lyrica is good for neuropathy pain.

Back to the movie and a fast action car chase.

Then someone is telling me how to remove the appearance of wrinkles.

Jenny Craig reminds me that she will "help me reach my goal."

And Marie Osmond, slim and trim, says she lost 50 pounds with Nutrisystems and I can do it, too.

Safelite will come to my home to replace a broken windshield, worry free.

Then there's a litany of new medications I can take that could have disastrous, sometimes deadly, side effects (in small print). But ask your doctor.

There are lots of places I should be eating, like Pizza Hut, (the flavor of now) Subway, McDonalds, (I'm liking it) and Little Caesars,

I can get complete teeth protection with Sensodyne which is recommended by dentists, and Listerine which gives power to my mouth.There are room fresheners like Glade or Febreze, and dog food and cat food for the pets

Suddenly, I'm back to the car chase, which ends in a car wreck involving police cars and a cart full of fruit spilled in the street. The chase continues for two minutes, then back to nasal sprays for allergies, and a beer commercial.

Often the same ads are repeated as many as six times in the span of one movie. Like the dripping of a faucet, the repeat ads drip, drip.

Two little sisters in white coats tell me that if I'm out of action because of back pain, I should call their daddy and "get back in action."

The 2 for 1 products are a dime a dozen but they are risk free. The second product is free except for the cost of shipping and handling. Call NOW.

Before I'm returned to my movie, I see Gold Bond, a walk in shower, cough medicine, Dr. Scholl's inserts, nasal sprays, Prilosec, Revlon makeup, Olay, and Harmony.com who wants to match me with a partner.

Without TV ads, how would I know which vehicle to buy? There's Subaru (confidence in motion) and Fiat (endless fun) and Buick and Chevrolet and Honda and Jaguar and Mazda. Also Nissan, Toyota and Lexus.

And, of course, there's Glen Sain (God bless our troops).

Without commercials how would I know where to buy a mattress, or windows, or vinyl siding, flooring, eye glasses, or a Lazyboy?

Or how to clean with Tide, Oxiclean or Lysol.

I wouldn't know that I'm to shop at K Mart, Walmart, J.C. Penney's, Sears or Macy's.

And which lip balm would be best for my lips or which security system to buy.

But wait.

If the viewer tires of commercials, one of the advertisers has a remedy. Their product, DISH, offers a feature whereby one can instantly skip commercials.

There's another option, too.

One can use commercial time to get things done around the house, such as, get a snack or a cold drink, start a load of clothes, wash a few dishes, brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, let the dog out, or read the newspaper.

But if you do, you might miss Hank's fine furniture.